Thursday, March 4, 2010

my soul

Since no one reads this except my sister and Tiffany, I will go ahead and bear my soul a little:

There has been this surge of emotion in me lately, I know that I'm pregnant and that has something to do with it, but there is something more that has been causing me to well up with tears at the most random times. I do not like and try to avoid at all cost crying in public, I get embarrassed and if you will, I ugly cry... I turn red and blotchy and it's embarrassing.

Last night at church, Chris Russo got on stage and told the story behind "it is well". It was moving, I teared up the privacy of my chair. When we started singing it, I realized, that it is not okay with my soul. I'm not okay with my mom not being here when I give birth to this babe! Everyone needs their mom when they have a baby. Don't get me wrong, Cynthia, my step-mom is more than I could have ever prayed for. She claims Emily and I as her own. My mother in love, is more that I could have prayed for also, she is incredible... but they are not my mom.

When I got braces, went to prom, graduated from HS, moved to another state, moved a different state again and survived horrible broken hearts, I was strong... When I met the man of my dreams, I was so disappointed that I couldn't take him to meet her... then he asked me to marry him... she wasn't there- and it hurt. I put on my big girl panties and bucked up when I got married and was strong. But this, having babies with out her, this just seems like a really mean punk!

Why Lord?

This is not okay with my soul. Why did you take her when I was so young? Why do I still cry myself to sleep 12 years later? Why can I still smell her when I miss her so much? When is going to stop hurting like a really bad scar that should have received stitches??

Please Lord, make it well with my soul! I NEED it to be okay with my soul!

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