Saturday, October 8, 2011

4 weeks and counting...

Emma Kate turned 4 weeks this week (Tuesday she will be 5 weeks).  She wants to be a great sleeper, but there is gas and spitting up that is holding her back.  This was causing some major pain, so I took her to the Dr. and they gave her some medication to help her out.  Last night was a dream {no sleepy yawn here}.  She was able to go the 4 hours at night between feedings perfectly.  There was no waking up Frank to help me out, or Emma Kate I should say!

I need to be honest, it's been hard.  These sleepless nights mixed with the house to maintain and a now toddler to chase around during the day.  Frank is doing this internship at our church in Charleston and is commuting down there for all day Tuesday and Wednesday... thank goodness my parents have really helped me out, even if it's just to have us over for dinner on Tuesday night and entertain Annabelle for a hot second so I can sit down for a minute.

I'm trying my best to breastfeed Emma Kate.  Can I tell you how hard it is?  It's hard to remember to drink enough water.  It's hard to confine Annabelle for 40 minutes while I feed Emma Kate.  It's hard to not worry that there's enough in there and that she's getting enough from me.  It's hard when you are on a date with your hubby sans kids and a baby starts crying, well, you know what happens.

Last night Frank was giving me a pep talk that he knew was over due and much needed.  He said that all these things are lies straight from hell trying to keep what's the best from our baby.  It took all I had to not start crying, no they were not hormones, they were from that little place in your heart that cries out when truth is told.  It's from the same place when you hear a really amazing story of redemption or healing.  True healing.

Can I tell you how I struggle with the lies that lurk around?  Have you heard about men and the mental rolodex that they have of images that have been burned in their heads?  Well, I'm convinced that women have it too.  Ours is not of images of things we have seen, but rather lies that have been told to us.  Lies either the enemy has put there or of what people have said to us.  I tried to explain this to Frank, but he didn't get it.  In a moment of weakness that rolodex will start rolling of the lies of inadequacy, failure, doubt or even just negativity in general.  There are lies about your self worth and self image (can I get an amen?).  Can I tell you I fight my rolodex every day, multiple times a day.  Let's start with the biggest lie EVER.  When I take a shower and I look at myself in the mirror, I think "no one would ever love you, even frank, look at how fat you are."  Now in my head I know, I just had 2 babes in one year.  In the last 24 months, I have been preggo for 20 of them.  There was a lot of stretching and fries that happened.  Frank loves me, I know it.  His actions speak volumes and he can't keep his hands of me :)  But telling my heart to believe what my head is thinking is the issue.

Can we be honest together as women, as momma's?  Can I confess to you that I'm a terrible house keeper?  Can I confess that if you come over and it's spotless, there was most likely some intense fellowship that took place before you got here and Frank did the running around to get our house presentable.  Can I tell you that the worst part is that I really do want a clean house, I just don't execute the chore list, hardly ever.  Can I confess that I get really frustrated at my sweet husband for not picking up after himself, but I am even worst at picking up after myself.  How can I teach my sweet babes to pick up when I don't do it.  I want to do it all, I really do.  I want to have an immaculate house that has no dog hair and super clean toilets and a spotless kitchen.  I want to be super organized.  I want to show off my closets and filing cabinet, I really do.  I'm looking for the motivation to get there while maintaining the balance of healthy family time.

1 comment:

lawschoolandlullabies said...

Abbey,

Let me just say first that I am amazed at all the things you are doing. A toddler, an infant, a house, a move, a commuting husband. There is no reason that you should feel inadequate about not picking everything up all the time. I'll make my own confession, too - I am at least as bad at it as you are. I promise. But someone once told me that good moms have sticky floors, messy closets, and dirty dishes in the sink. I don't know if that's totally true, but it did help me to feel ok about finding a level of cleanliness in my house that I can live with (still a struggle), while allowing me the freedom to play with Clara more, hang out with Joel more, and not feel guilty about the dirty house. And you know, the people who really love you will not care if the house is a complete disaster when they come over. In fact, they will probably help you with whatever you need. But you have to ask.
Much love to you, fellow mama. Take heart, you are not alone. And you are well loved, and prayed for. I hope it all gets better for you.
Bec

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