An onion

The last few months have been hard.  Really hard.  There I said it.  They have been hard on this little family.  Frank finished up his internship at our church.  He was gone so much and stretched so thin that when we got him back, he was tired.  He's been around more and it has changed our rhythm.  We are for sure thankful that he is around more, it was just hard to get into a new groove.  Suddenly AB was WAY more sassy toward him, some experts would say that she was mad at him for being gone so much and didn't understand why.  It has been draining financially.  I mean, bad.  Frank is currently looking for new/more work, it's just not happening as fast as we thought.  I'm working to get my mary kay up and running, but you can only do so much during the 2 hour nap time all while trying to maintain a home (can i get an amen?).  In the midst of all these life changing things, God is doing a number on my heart.  I feel like He is peeling me like an onion.  All of these layers are being shed and it's ugly.  It's been raw.  Its like when you get an onion and they are all ugly on the outside, but when you cut it open and you keep finding more bad spots.  That is where we are, the layers and the bad spots.  He is shedding the layers of pride, entitlement (yuck!), resentment, judgemental thoughts (double yikes!), that hard shell (for the love, I ugly cried on my friends couch the other day!).

It really started when sisterhood, the women's ministry at my church, did a study called L.I.F.E. (living in freedom everyday). It challenged me, made me question and for sure gave new light to the Jesus thing.  I blogged a little about it here.  I managed to bribe one of my friends find child care and was able to attend the retreat that they do at the end of each study.  It was really cleansing and healing.
One of the sessions were about pride and entitlement.  Another was about resentment and unforgiveness.  Oh my. word.  I knew it had to happen.  After 14 years, it had to happen, I had to forgive him.  I literally could not say it.  The woman that was praying over me asked me 7 times to say his name, I couldn't but she kept on.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I whispered his name.  It took everything I had to say it.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I was ugly crying in front of this woman I had never met before and the words were so heavy, it felt like they were choking me.  I was pushed and I listened.  That sweet woman pushed me and I answered her.  Suddenly that pain was no longer stinging.  Yes, I miss my mom terribly, but there isn't that bite of hurt anymore.  I know it will try to rise up again, some time.  But I learned that I must grab that emotion or thought and captivate it.  It must be dealt with and then purged.
One of the other sessions was our thought life.  Wow.  I did not realize how out of control my thought life was.  I am not ready, nor do I think that it's appropriate to go into detail about it here, but it was moving.  Ugly thoughts of people, things and about my own self were running wild in my head.  I learned that I need to grab the thought and ask these 2 questions:
1.  Where did this come from?
2.  What does Jesus say about it?

I will give you an example (this is just a tip of the iceburg into my ugly thoughts!):

Today was so off.  We stayed up WAY too late playing at the pool at watching the fireworks having good quality family time.  Therefore, my little ladies slept until 9:15.  As I whipped around juggling breakfast and bottles and making coffee all while being calm and DRESSED!!

I thought, gosh, I'm such a good mom, I have so much patience and just really love my kids- actually, I really LIKE them, all the time!  I'm just so thankful to stay at home with them and can just knock out this to-do list my noon.  Unlike X, Y and Z who can't get anything done- ever!  If fact, when their husbands complain about them to my husband, my husband will chime in and tell them how awesome I am and that I am just a rock star.  How I do it all and wash his dry clean only pants at home and iron them.  I clean out and organize closets and vaccuum behind the couches.  And to top it all off, dinner is on the table at a reasonable hour to avoid melt downs and cut off the witching hour.

BAHAHAHA.  I literally just laughed at my confession to you guys.

oh don't act like you don't paint yourself instead of the paper!

Truth:
9:30am.  All the girls sit down at the table and have breakfast and we talk about what our day is going to look like.  Emma Kate interrupts the whole time yelling at me and looking at AB!  AB laughs at her.  EK then laughs at AB.  I give up and eat my cereal and keep giving cherrios to EK.
10:30am.  Emma Kate is already pissed that I woke her up to feed her breakfast (yes, my baby will sleep that late and I know it's weird.  I don't know why and I don't really care.  But I do wake her up no later than 9:30am because 13 hours is just too long to go without eating!) and is already whining and following me around trying her best, in her little 9 months old way, to tell me to put her down for a nap.  This is my window to get something done!!  Yeah right.

10:35am.  Bored toddler.  We all know the story does straight down hill from here and by the time Frank gets home from work at like 2:30, I'm trying to finish folding laundry because I can already hear AB up from her super short nap.
I gave in to my whiny toddler and asked Frank to cook dinner.  While I was sitting there holding AB and watching Elmo, I thought about my terrible and ugly judgemental thoughts from earlier.  I was  embarrassed of those thoughts, how dare I think so highly of myself and then compare myself to some of the sweetest women I know!

Yes, that is a raw onion that my toddler is eating.  She loves them.

Thought life:
1.  Those thoughts are not life giving to either myself nor my friends that I thought that against.  Who am I to think that I can make it even though breakfast without a whole bunch of grace?!?
2.  I asked for forgiveness in about 2 seconds!
Titus 2 talks about how older women need to teach the younger women to be kind and self controlled.  To stay at home and learn the trade.  I am working on the kindness and self control for the unforseeable future.

All of this to say, I am a work in progress.  It's been a messy season and we are so ready for this season to come to a close.  We are ready to put our ebeneser on this time and move forward ever mindfull of how the Lord kept us save, cool and the lights on.

Have a Happy Friday!!! 

 We will be laying low for the next few days and watching manhunters on netflix :)